Boundaries
The term gets thrown around a lot, but what does it really mean?
Boundaries are how we communicate to others how we want to be treated and how much physical energy, emotional energy, time or action we have available for them. When we feel strong and healthy in this space, our boundaries are usually respected and if we come across someone who tries to push them, we have the confidence to say ‘no’.
Sounds pretty great right? If you’re reading this I’m guessing perhaps it isn’t as simple for you, and trust me I understand that! As a giver by nature, much of my life has been spent looking after others and prioritising their needs. However, I found I would quickly run out of energy as the steel shutters come down, the “yes of course, what do you need” quickly switching to hiding away as I tried to replenish myself.
A lack of boundaries is akin to having a hole in your water bottle - your energy just keeps flowing out. The grass around is going to flourish, but your health and hydration suffer. We can go on like this until there are so many holes that it’s impossible to keep any water for ourselves.
If you find you’re regularly putting others first, or saying “yes” when really you want to be saying “no” these tips are from me to you, a self-confessed ‘Bad Boundary Owner’!
What’s the impact?
The first thing is to explore where you see a lack of boundaries in your life and what the impact of this is having on you. Are you feeling emotionally and physically exhausted, do you feel like your actions are not aligned with your values, is your mental health suffering or do you feel powerless or weak? You may connect to one of those examples or have your own. It’s important to know what the impact of always saying ‘yes’, when you really want to say ‘no’ is having, to keep you rooted on this journey.
How does this help me towards my goal?
How is the impact of this taking you away from your goal? If your focus is (for example) to spend more time nourishing your wellbeing, perhaps prioritise a new project or to be empowered in your relationships. Consider what your physical, emotional, and energetic needs need to be met so you can meet that goal. If you’re used to prioritising others over yourself, it can be useful to have these written down somewhere easily accessible as a regular reminder to yourself of every important no, whether big or small.
In which areas in your life would you like to have better boundaries?
List out some small and larger areas. In the same way, you wouldn’t start at the gym with the heaviest weights, it can be helpful to start with the smaller ones. When we change any patterns, it takes practice to redirect our impulses and rewire parts of our brain. The good news is the brain isn’t elastic, the brain can change, grow, adapt and find better pathways. Start with small changes and see how these little shifts feel.
How can you practice saying “no, thank you.”?
Without offering a reason or alternative date or time. We’ve developed into a society where in order to say “no” people often feel you have to offer a reason, perhaps even be physically unable to do what is asked of you. You’re not required to offer excuses or reasons to others, a simple “no, thank you” is enough.
Acknowledge the people in your life who say “no, thank you”. Do you perceive them as boundaries or perhaps even difficult? When there are things in our life we desire we can often unconsciously see them as negatives in others.
It’s normal (especially for my fellow people pleasers!) to feel guilty or selfish when you start to say no. This is when you connect back to your goal, remember the impact of poor boundaries, and give yourself an extra dose of self-love.
Who is pushing your boundaries?
If we don’t respect and value our own boundaries, we can’t expect others to understand why they’re so important to us. When we change our patterns, there will be those around us who think our behaviour is inconvenient - they may even become frustrated, angry and consider you selfish.
In these cases, it’s important to look at the relationship. Is the relationship based on you supporting their needs? In which case, is the relationship actually supportive for you? Perhaps, they don’t understand how you have been feeling, so if you’re comfortable you could explain the work you’re doing around your boundaries and the impact that it has on you when they are pushed or not respected.
Don’t give in on your boundaries! If you do, you are inviting others to ignore your needs.
Are you aware of your capacity?
There are some boundaries that you choose to be ‘hard boundaries’. This could be the amount of time you want to spend with a person or group or when you switch off your work emails. Boundaries can be flexible depending on your energy, for example babysitting a friend or family member's child.
By checking in with yourself daily and having an awareness of your emotional and physical capacity, you’ll have a better understanding in response to things that you would love to do, but only when your energy cup is full. For women, this is especially important when you are connected to the rhythm of your cycle and knowing when you feel your best, when you need to retreat and when you’re ready to give.
How can you take a step back and not rush?
How many times have you said yes quickly, when on reflection you really wished you’d said no? It’s easy to respond out of impulse before we’ve had time to integrate the question in the body. These impulses are driven by our ego and wounded needs. Hello, people-pleasers,
If you feel pushed for an answer, offer a holding response. “I have to check my schedule”, “I’m not sure I have availability” to give yourself time to breathe and connect with your body. Close your eyes and feel each response. What does saying yes feel like? What does saying no feel like? Perhaps there is some fear around disappointing someone, or fear of saying yes to the challenge. Does saying yes give you validation and is that actually what you need to get you to your goal?
Can you be kinder to yourself?
Celebrate your accomplishments and be compassionate when you slip up. When you respect your boundaries and they are respected by others, note down how it feels, were you able to nourish and support yourself. When you slip, explore what it was that made you compromise your boundary - how did that make you feel?
Healthy boundaries are something we’re taught, so if you didn’t learn them at a young age it may feel overwhelming implementing them now. It can be helpful to get some support around how you set your boundaries and how you navigate the changes in your professional or personal life.
It’s totally possible to feel nourished and able to meet your emotional and physical needs. You're creating a better life for yourself and balanced, empowered relationships.